For a long time I had denied the existence of God, or at least that anyone could be sure that God existed. But then I saw God’s face. But it wasn’t really a face. It didn’t have any qualities other than what I can describe as being the most pure light. Beautiful, overwhelming radiance. And God spoke with me there, in His presence, but didn’t speak in a way that I heard a voice, either with my ears or like what we describe as telepathy, with another voice being “heard” inside my mind. No, there was no voice at all. God was silent but brought forth a fountain of realization within me. It was as if knowledge and wisdom, peace and understanding, were bubbling forth within me. Like God was placing different aspects of myself in front of me, with divine illumination revealing everything in all its fullness and truth, and then I was having a one-sided conversation talking back to that ultimate light. All I would get in return was loving compassion, mercy, silence, and realization.
God had revealed himself to me, he had revealed myself to me. I could no longer deny his existence and I was now sure, beyond all doubt, that He does exist. This conflicted directly with my previous views, my opinions based on renunciation of the religions I had seen and the things I had experienced; that God could not exist, not the God I had envisioned previously based on what I had heard about him. But I was now certain that God does exist. At least something that I most easily identify with the word ‘God’.
So my question became how do I describe an encounter with something that has no form, or language? I strive to point others to the way, so that they can see God for themselves. My hope is that the pure light of the One will shine through me, now and forever, and others will see the light and find their way, through the darkness, to the path that leads to God.
This single question has occupied my mind for the last six years.
Everything I’ve written on the blog, all of the spiritual practices I’ve created and taught, all of it has been in pursuit of pointing others to the way. And it’s been an incredible journey.
But now the time has finally come for me to describe the encounter itself in narrative prose in the clearest and most honest words. I have to admit that the majority of this post was written years ago and only ever shared with a select few people who both asked and were understanding and non-judgmental enough for me to trust with the truth. It involves some very touchy subjects like existential doubt, depression, and the healing potential of psychedelics. But it’s my story, it’s the truth, I know it has the power to inspire others, and I cannot keep it to myself any longer.
The time has come.
Mystical Experiences and Depression
What is a mystical experience?
What does it mean to encounter the divine?
These are difficult questions to answer. For a long time, the best answer people could give was, “Well you have to experience it for yourself.”
Which, while possibly true, is not exactly helpful. Thankfully, there has been a lot of research on mystical experiences, thousands of stories have been recorded, and some clear trends emerged. We’ve even created a tool to assess them scientifically known as the MEQ or Mystical Experience Questionnaire. According to the MEQ, the defining features of a mystical experience include feelings of unity, sacredness, ineffability, peace and joy, as well as a sense of transcending time and space and an intuitive belief that the experience is a source of objective truth about reality.
Somewhere between 30-50% of Americans say they have had a mystical experience or spiritual awakening at least once in their lives.
So mystical experiences are not super rare and reserved for saints and sages or spiritual giants. These are available to everyone. They also don’t mean that you will be instantly and forever perfectly enlightened as so many people wrongly imagine.
They can, however, be powerfully transformative, as was the specific experience this post is about, or they can be quickly forgotten. A lot of this depends on the cultural environment of the individual.
Some cultures have a tradition to integrate these kinds of experiences into their religious and social spheres and individuals in these cultures have a framework and guides to help them through what can otherwise be potentially destabilizing. Other cultures are hostile to all things spiritual or psychedelic and individuals in those cultures are often unsure of just what they experienced, what it means, and what to do about it. A lot of potentially powerfully transformative experiences have been wasted simply because they were dismissed out of ignorance and were never integrated. And others, like myself, stumble their way through the integration process doing the best they can without a tradition to guide them.
But that is changing quickly. With the rapidly increasing relevance of psychedelic assisted psychotherapy we’ve seen the convergence of the spiritual and the scientific and an ever increasing cultural acceptance of both spirituality and psychedelics. This along with the explosion of the ayahuasca retreat industry has brought the language and practice of integration of mystical experiences into the mainstream.
The promise of spiritual transformation is no longer relegated to the lofty peaks of the Himalayas or the deep jungles of the Amazon. It can be found right here, right now, by anyone.
John Vervaeke suggests that mystical experiences exist on a spectrum from insight to flow states to transformative experience. So not every mystical experience is a powerful spiritual awakening like this post is about, but they’re all beautiful and can add meaning to our lives. Properly integrated, they can be one of the single most important events of our lives, and many people say they are.
Work by Lisa Miller in her amazing book, The Awakened Brain (Amazon affiliate link), suggests that powerful, transformative experiences are more common after a period of depression. And the deeper and longer the depression the more powerful and intense the experience and transformation. I myself struggled with depression my entire life until this divine encounter. It’s like coming out of darkness into the light, the darker it was, and the longer you were in it, the brighter the light will seem.
A lot of times people hear stories like the one I’m about to tell and they don’t know this. They hear tales of joy and peace and bliss and transformation and they understandably find themselves becoming envious. I’ve been there myself. Because we rarely hear the whole story. So, please remember, this story begins after a very long, very dark period, and, honestly, a lifetime of struggling with depression and existential dread. From a young age my mind was always wrestling with deep existential questions and the answers I got from my culture, my family, and my religious tradition were very unsatisfactory to me. The very foundations of my existence seemed nebulous and illusory to me. A great example of this is a poem I wrote when I was just 15 titled “Amidst Fantasy”. You can see this in the following quote:
There’s truth in the mist.
Something’s out there,
Somewhere out there,
Lost inside this disarray it can be found,
But what is there to help us now?
I was desperately searching for truth and unable to find it. I was unable to find anything metaphysically solid on which to base my worldview. I tried religion, I tried science, and both were lacking. That is until 13 years later when I came across an old friend who opened my eyes to the beauty of the world in a way I had never experienced before. I finally found something out there to help us now. That friend was these strange little mushrooms called psilocybe cubensis.
Psilocybin: Nature’s Gospel
Those strange little mushrooms contain a powerful psychedelic substance called psilocybin.
It is, unfortunately, still illegal in most places, even though mushrooms that contain it grow pretty much everywhere and have been consumed for their healing properties for thousands of years. However, there is a growing movement known as Decriminalize Nature that has been successful in changing laws around medicinal plants and fungi such as the mushrooms that contain psilocybin. And there has been a lot of research in the last twenty years on the therapeutic potential of psilocybin and other psychedelic substances.
The results have been incredible. It’s been all over the news and people are talking about a “Psychedelic Renaissance” because psychedelic assisted psychotherapy is the most promising area of mental health treatment research right now.
But the peculiar little mushrooms known as psilocybe cubensis hold a very special place in my heart because they changed my life forever.
I wasn’t aware of this at the time but a large number of people in the research actually changed their mind from being agnostic or atheist to believing in God after taking psilocybin, so I’m certainly not alone in this. And this was in a sterile hospital room clinical research setting. Just imagine the potential in a sacred ceremonial setting! Many people, up to 75%, describe it as being one of the most important and transformative experiences of their lives, similar to the birth of a child, and I totally understand that. It certainly was for me.
But it is important to note that set and setting are extremely important when it comes to psychedelics. This may sound cliché, and it is, but it still needs to be stated. Because by the time I had a transformative experience with psilocybin I was no stranger to it. I was an experienced psychonaut and had experimented with these mushrooms many times, but I had never had a life-changing, profound spiritual experience. Or even a slightly transformative spiritual experience. That was because the set and setting weren’t conducive to it. So set and setting should not be overlooked or deprioritized.
And this is why I do not recommend personal experimentation. If you’re interested, please seek out a professional therapist trained to work as a psychedelic guide where set and setting will be strictly controlled and you will have a guide for the integration process. Set, setting, and integration will absolutely make the difference between an interesting experience and a transformative one.
(A personal spiritual practice is great preparation for having a powerfully transformative psychedelic experience but it’s also a great way to bring that forward and integrate it into your life. If you’re interested in starting or deepening your personal practice, then I recommend picking up a copy of my first e-book Contemplations, it’s a one-month guide to a implementing a comprehensive personal spiritual practice along with thirty-one daily original contemplative poems, habit tracking, and more.)
Anyways, with that out of the way we can get to the really fun part.
A Divine Encounter
I was at home in my living room. It was a beautiful, sunny day, a rare occurrence for springtime in Seattle, and my companions and I were taking advantage and embarking on a journey together. A journey not in the physical or material world but the mental, interior world. It was something I was very familiar with. I had already had numerous experiences with psilocybin containing mushrooms. I had prepared them in my usual manner, by grinding the dried mushrooms into a fine dust and then mixing this into melted dark chocolate to make precisely measured, wonderfully delicious, and beautifully presented psychedelic chocolates. These contained 1.5 grams of dried mushrooms per chocolate so that users could take whatever dosage was right for them. Some people only need half of one, others go for two or more. I eat one and I am confident from my past experience that the dosage for myself is not of the highest concern. My experience will be powerful and pleasant no matter what. But I never could have been prepared for what I did experience that day…
It started out in the usual manner. Some slight anxiety as the effects started kicking in, and I felt my ego begin to dissolve, but this quickly went away, and I began to feel the familiar temporal and scenario-spinning transformations that characterize my own psychedelic experiences. The mental clarity and energy that followed were welcome old friends as well.
But then something unusual happened. Instead of my usual desire for companionship, connection, and conversation, I felt a desire for isolation or solitude. Instead of my usual desire to fill my eyes with beautiful images and my ears with beautiful music, I felt drawn to silence and compelled to find a place to close my eyes and search within.
“Sometimes you hear a voice through the door calling you, as a fish out of water hears the surf’s come back. This turning toward what you deeply love saves you.” Rumi
That is precisely what happened to me. I heard the voice through the door calling to me.
Come to me…
Something called me. I arose and left my companions and wandered down towards the end of the hallway, to the first bedroom. Here the colors were striking me as they never had before. It was as if I had never truly seen the color blue before, or this vibrant purple whose color was such that it was impressing enormous emotional energy upon me. I stood there in the doorway for some time, staring in awe at a scene I would normally pay no attention to, but, at this time, in absolute wonder, as if I had the eyes of a child again and everything in the world was mysterious, wonderful, and beautiful. But that room felt cold and intense, too hyperactive, and once again I felt drawn to wander down the hall.
Come to me…
There it was still calling me. A loving, joyous presence was calling out to me. I stopped at the next doorway. Here the room was bright with the LED lights of electronics, reflecting off harsh surfaces and glass screens. A technophiles haven, and a place I would usually feel right at home but, once again, the energy was too harsh and I knew that I couldn’t find what I was drawn to there.
I continued down the hall to the third and final room. Here I stopped in the doorway again. Bathing in the soft, filtered sunlight coming in through the curtains in shades of yellow, orange, and red. Warm, peaceful, and inviting, the energy coming from this room was calling me and I entered and closed the door behind me. I sat on the bed and at first there was some anxiety.
“What am I doing? This is not like me. Maybe I should put some music on,” I thought. But that wasn’t right, and, after a minute or so, I turned it off and sat in silence.
Come to me…Close your eyes. I am here. Look for me.
I closed my eyes and immediately felt an immense presence and fell back onto the bed and that was when it happened…
Now, what exactly happened is very difficult to describe, as are all encounters with the infinite, eternal divine mystery. So remember that these are just words attempting to explain the unexplainable experience of communion with the great unexplainable mystery.
I had a vision:
In my vision, I saw a great, pure light, blinding and overbearing, that I knew to be divine as its immensity could be nothing else. Upon seeing this light, I was dissociated, my soul separated from my body and mind, so that it was, for this brief period, in communion with That which is, the pure light. The light then shone upon my mind, and exposed to my soul its deepest fears and darkest thoughts, and, under that light, the soul acknowledged these and their insignificance was known and the path to victory over them was known. Then, the light shone upon my body, and exposed to my soul its weaknesses and desires, and, under that light, the soul acknowledged these and their insignificance was known and the path to victory over them was known. Then, the light turned all its brilliance upon my soul, and I was overwhelmed by love and joy, and the passion to share this love with the world and to guide others to the great Truth, the truth beyond words.
That was my first attempt to describe it. A blinding light overwhelmed me and, in an instant, my ego dissolved and I was dissociated, pulled from my body and mind, out of the material world entirely, and, for a time, my soul, my light, basked in the presence of the One Pure Light.
It showed me my old body and mind in the most illuminating way, laying bare every flaw, every deep desire of the flesh, every trap of the mind that I had fallen prey to, and with ultimate love passed judgement on my old self, and my old body and mind died, and I was still there with my soul laid bare before the light.
Then, the light shone on my soul and all the barriers my old self had built around it were broken, and the One Pure Light reflected off the mirror of my soul filling me with abundant love, joy, and peace. I wished to remain in that state, that unimaginable glory of the divine presence forever! What overwhelming love! What wonderful beauty! Such compassion and mercy! But, alas, it was not yet my time.
Not yet. You still have work to do on the Earth. It is time for you to be reborn. Your old self is dead. Be reborn a new man, a better man. Let my light shine through you so that others may come to know me. Guide them to my light, my love, my peace and understanding.
And, all of a sudden, the blinding light was gone and there I was, back on my bed again.
I had no idea how much time had passed but that didn’t matter to me anyway. I was laughing and weeping for joy. Such beautiful love! I had been a fool. I had thought myself a wise and learned man but in truth I knew nothing. I was laughing at my old self, that fool! But also at the overwhelming joy and peace lingering from the presence of the divine. I could see clearly now. The light of God was reflecting off the mirror of my soul clearly and brightly, illuminating the world around me. I felt wisdom and understanding bubbling up from the depths of my soul and was compelled to come back to the world, to my companions, and proudly bare my new self. I had been reborn with a calling that I didn’t fully understand but there were words forcing their way out of me and I started writing. Things that I had never thought about before were flooding out of me. Love and compassion for all was impressed upon me, as were several other things.
Having been separated from divinity for so long, I had begun to doubt its existence entirely. Upon being reunited, I found joy and peace beyond all imagine, being able, once again, to feel divine love, a pure and infinite love that I had forgotten, flow through me. It overwhelmed me making the desires of the flesh seem pale and futile in comparison. My mind is now focused intensely and intently on spiritual matters alone as all other joys fade in comparison.
But you must understand these kinds of thoughts were a radical departure from the self-deprecating rumination that had taken up most of my mental space until then. I noticed an immediate and permanent shift in the kinds of thoughts which passed through my mind. It has been almost six years since then, I’ve had no additional experiences with psilocybin, and my life is completely transformed. From the way that I think, to the way I eat, to the way I relate to my friends and family. Everything has changed for the better.
Well, that’s my story of A Divine Encounter. Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it and found it inspirational.
Love,
Justin
❤️🙏☀️