I want to tell you a story.
A story about pain and trauma, healing, and transformation.
A story about me.
The Way of the Butterfly
On January 6th, 2015 I was leaving work early in the morning, around 6am, after working all night in the restaurant I was managing at the time. It was foggy, wet, and extremely dark. Pretty typical for a January morning in Seattle. But it makes for really dangerous driving conditions.
The restaurant was right off of a highway and, as I was pulling out of the parking lot, a truck came speeding around the corner from the offramp and slammed into the drivers side of my car. I managed to drag myself out the passenger side of the car and up onto the sidewalk and called 911 before drifting in and out of consciousness.
Eventually, I was taken by ambulance to Harborview hospital where I found out that my skull had been fractured in multiple places and I had sustained a traumatic brain injury. Several of my ribs on my left side were broken, my left knee and shoulder were injured, and I was covered in bruising and lacerations. I had over 30 shards of glass stuck into my face and neck, but luckily they missed everything important. I came extremely close to death that morning but I made it through. I was alive but I was broken, and not just physically.
It left me in tremendous pain and the physical injuries would take years to heal. I wasn’t sure if I would ever feel whole or strong again. I had nerve damage in my face, and had to slowly learn how to move my lips and smile again. The fractures in my skull opened up my sinuses and I suffered from chronic horrific sinus infections. I ended up losing my apartment, and my relationship with my partner struggled more than it ever had. I felt cut off from my self, my health, and those I loved. I could no longer do the work I was doing before, it was too physical, and that also took a toll on me emotionally.
The pain and suffering of the two years it took me to recover was overwhelming, but I felt like I had died and been reborn and given a chance to live, so I persevered. I could never take life for granted again. I certainly went through periods of depression during that time but not the fatalistic kind. And the process of healing transformed me. An old version of me had been shattered, blown apart violently and I was left searching for wholeness and identity. But this is the way of life. In order for the caterpillar to transform into a beautiful butterfly it must undergo a period of darkness and dissolution. It loses its old self but it gains a new more beautiful self and access to new worlds and heights and experiences it never could have imagined before.
I went through a period of darkness and dissolution, but, through it all, I kept a little spark of light within me, and I kept persevering. After two years of healing and growing and seeking more of that light, it struck me like a thunderbolt. In one glorious moment all of that physical pain came to an end, the depressive rumination that had taken up the majority of my mental space and energy in my life up to that point was halted forever. That spark of light and love exploded from within me, and the world around me and within me was illuminated by divine light.
I felt like I was no longer alone, no longer cut off, no longer unsure of who I am and what I should do. I remembered my true identity. I recovered it from deep within me under all of the cultural conditioning and self deception. In a cascade of insight I realized what I needed to do to cultivate this newfound sense of meaning and continue the transformative process. I awoke and began a life of thriving instead of just surviving.
My inner world was completely transformed, but my body was weak. Two years of being unable to do any heavy lifting or working out had resulted in the loss of most of my muscle mass. I tried to get back into it a couple of times but failed to make it consistent. I was still unsure if I would ever regain my former strength and vigor. Over the next few years I took some steps to improve my health. I transitioned to a vegetarian diet and took up yoga. But it wasn’t until 2020 and the pandemic that I would start working out again.
I just happened to change careers right before everything shutdown and I got a job at the same company as my partner, Heather. Then, two weeks later, we were sent to work from home. All of a sudden, we were on the same schedule, and had all of the time and freedom to organize our days how we wanted. She designed a series of workouts which allowed me to regain my strength. It was hard; it was overwhelming. For months I had to modify movements and I would struggle to push through each workout. At the beginning, I had very little muscle mass and I couldn’t even do a jumping jack because of how messed up my back was. But I persevered, and Heather was always there at my side pushing me forward.
The work paid off. I regained my former strength and surpassed it. I became more flexible than I have ever been. My back slowly healed and stabilized. I went from modifying everything to looking for ways to make things harder. I went from not even being able to get into lotus pose to being able to sit in it for long periods of time comfortably. The strength and resilience of my body finally matched that of my mind.
Today I’m in the best shape of my life. I’m stronger and more flexible than I’ve ever been. My psychological resilience and sense of meaning are greater than ever. I have better relationships with my partner, my family, and my friends. I have goals that I’m passionately pursuing. And it all started with trauma, with being broken down physically and mentally and going through an existential crisis. But, that breakdown is exactly what allowed me to be rebuilt and reborn into a stronger, more beautiful version of my self.
So, that’s my story.
And I hope that by telling it I can provide some hope and inspiration to those who feel broken.
Some light for those lost in darkness.
Wholeness can be found.
Thriving is possible.
Just hold onto the light and continue to persevere.
❤🙏☀